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Back when I was a teenager I really struggled with a lot of things. Home was difficult due to my mum’s BPD. School wasn’t great either. I was bullied in both primary and secondary school. I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, especially with my peers. I’d try to change myself to fit in but I felt awkward. I preferred the company of adults like the dinner ladies on duty in the playground or teachers. In primary school I’d much rather spend my break and lunch periods in the classroom tidying the classroom and doing jobs for my teacher.
The move to secondary school I found really unsettling. This quickly brought on feelings of anxiety and depression; I was already deliberately hurting myself in different ways. I struggled to cope with the change of teachers and classrooms. I also found the playground dynamics difficult too. I’d gone from enjoying playing double Dutch skipping in the playground at primary school to just everyone using the playground to stand around in their cliques in. I struggled even more to try and fit in and to change myself as I moved around groups.
More often than not though I was bullied than being friends with people; if it wasn’t one person or group of people bullying me physically and/or verbally it would be another person or group.
I took to spending my breaks and lunch periods in either the library or my favourite teacher’s classroom.
I’d always avoided the canteen from day one as I found it too small for purpose and it was noisy and overwhelming. Not eating meant I could spend my whole lunch period in the library of my music teacher’s classroom.
My only refuge at secondary school from feeling overwhelmed and anxious was to spend time in SEN unit doing worksheets so I didn’t have to be in the main school building. It saved me the stress and panic and worry of changing classrooms and teachers as well as being away from all the bullies.
Very soon my eating disorder took hold. It quickly went from skipping lunch at school to not wanting to eat at home too. I very soon became a vegetarian as it was something I could cut out of my diet. (I’m still a vegetarian now and always will be but I do it for the animals now.)
Eating disorders are very manipulative. I remember my dad saying he’ll take me to the GP and I bargained with him that if I eat my packed lunch we won’t go. I made it look like I had so voilà no GP. However I annually saw my paediatrician for my spinal curvature and I got on well with him. I remember telling him how dark I felt and we spoke about my eating. My paediatrician diagnosed clinical depression and anorexia.
Very quickly treatment changed. I had to start seeing a dietitian who had zero clue about eating disorders and she was expecting me to do the impossible. I also had to see my paediatrician twice a week. That just lead to me spiralling even deeper. Eventually in October time I self-harmed by taking a small overdose. This fast tracked me to CAMHS: Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services. I started psychotherapy sessions with the CAMHS therapist that assessed me in hospital; she came to play a key role in my journey. Unfortunately I was in too deep with my eating disorder and depression and a couple of months later I was admitted to my first inpatient unit.
Going into hospital almost saved me in a weird way. I hated inpatient treatment but that first admission got me away from everything that was bothering me school and home.
I spent the next several years in various inpatient units. I restored my weight each time but it didn’t work on me emotionally. I think the problem was the lack of talking therapies. I’d get discharged but I’d quickly relapse and be admitted to another unit. I think what worked for me was in my last unit there was a social worker in that unit and I talked to her about home and basically my mum left and that really helped me. I was able to stay at home and what helped me to recover was my CAMHS therapist. I was in therapy with her for several years and slowly I opened up to her. I honestly think I owe my life to her and I will never forget her.
I relapsed with my anorexia again last year. I think the trigger this time was not feeling in control of my health and care maybe? I actually asked for help this time. I was assessed and then offered outpatient therapy.
There were times earlier when I struggled with outpatient therapy and did want to consider inpatient treatment again but equally I really wanted to try and stay in my own home especially as I now have my own home. I’m still in outpatient therapy. It’s tough going and it’s often a real struggle but my therapist (who I get on well with thankfully), with has made a lot of suggestions to help me at home.
The therapy I’m doing at the moment is CBT-ED so it’s CBT specifically designed for eating disorders. I find my therapist challenges my thinking a lot or will get me explain something I say. I’ve also been shown a lot of resources some are general information to learn about various aspects of eating disorders then some resources my therapist gave me were aimed at specific things I struggle with as part of my eating disorder. I’ve found the education really helpful partly because I like to know and learn things but also it helps me understand my eating disorder. I really struggle with my body image but that topic isn’t worked upon until my weight is restored, something I’m making slow progress with and struggling with as well.
Recovery takes time but equally recovery is possible.
Beat
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