Thursday 1 March 2018

The loss of a friend

I'm writing this post and I'm not quite sure where or how to start. As I type I am crying and filled with anger. Today I lost a friend, Claire. She had been fight a long and hard battle with Anorexia and other mental health demons and total she lost her fight. I'm angry at so many think - that she never got the chance to recover, that for so long all she knew was hospitals and recently a hospital where she received poor care; I'm angry that she died alone; I'm angry at the hospital at the staff on the ward that was mean to be caring for her. i just feel so helpless and like there's this huge hole inside of me.

Claire and I wrote letters and that is how we'd been in contact for some time. I will treasure how much comfort she found in my letters - the little colouring and puzzle pages I put in letters gave her a distraction from her thoughts and my words brought her escapism from the hospital walls.

I first met Claire volunteering. She campaigned so much from the heart, fighting and speaking out to raise awareness for Eating Disorders and mental illness and to get better care for people like herself, myself and other living with the demons of mental illness.

I've lost other friends to Eating Disorders, the total now comes to five. There statistics are that 1 in 5 sufferers of an Eating Disorder will die, but each of those people to me will never become a statistic. There's a better chance now that you will survive cancer than you will an Eating Disorder yet cancer is far more widely known and spoken about than Eating Disorders. How crazy and stupid is that?!

Tonight I'm filled will a heavy heart. Missing Claire and knowing that I will never hear from her again; that I will never see her handwriting again; that she is gone forever.

I'm not sure if I've written the right words because there feels no words to properly say how I feel or give Claire the justice that her life deserves.

Claire, I will always miss you and I'm sorry that you're gone. I feel angry and wish that I could have done more to help you and get better advocacy for you which is what you so desperately needed like we spoke about. I'm sorry that you're dreams of working in catering and baking cakes will never come true; that you will never know recovery and what it is like to be free from your demons that held too you for so long.

I could say I miss you a million times and it still wouldn't be enough. I could type forever and it too won't ever be enough. You always enjoyed my rampling in my letter as it gave you more to read. I hope you are free now and I'm sorry that you had to go too soon before your time.